I have a little beagle named Finny. Our Amish neighbors gave her to us for "free" about 7 years ago. She was free until the vet visit, then came the shots, de-worming, and chemical baths to rid her of mange, and VOILA! A million-dollar dog was born.
Having never had a dog before, we really got lucky with Finny. She is a wonderful family pet; gentle and affectionate. What I didn't know, is that beagles will eat anything that isn't nailed down and that their culinary delights aren't limited to dog food- nope! In fact, our neighbors cats tend to use our swing-set area as a litter box and the cat feces is apparently a delicacy to Finny, so that area has become "the buffet". So, as far as manners go, she is slightly disgusting, and because of her eating habits she is now a chubby middle-aged beagle.
Finny and I have a very special relationship. Not only am I her "alpha", but we are also the only females in the house. I fancy sometimes when I catch her eye that we are thinking EXACTLY the same things, and that we see the understanding and sympathy the other feels. For example: remember in a previous blog when I described how Jared wanted to take her for "police-dog" training? Well, probably about 2-3 times per week she is subjected to Jared's "training" techniques. So, dog-lovers among you are wondering: "why does she let him torture the dog?" Well, you are probably the same people wondering where I find my patience.... sometimes Finny just has to "take one for the team"! The important thing to remember here is that Jared DOES suffer from ADHD, so his attention span is not terribly long and therefore the torture sessions are brief.
His "training" techniques ARE interesting to watch. He once saw the people from animal control come to our house to pick up an apparently sick stray that decided to lay down on our porch and bark and growl at us any time we came near. The animal control person had one of those "hook" things (I don't know what they're called) that they use to loop around the dog's neck. Remembering that tool, he took the nebulizer tubing (hopefully no one has an asthma attack any time soon) and one of the vacuum cleaner attachments to develop his own loop system. Using this system he catches Finny and then tries to teach her to be his police dog. What that means to Jared I am not quite clear- but one of the main objectives seems to be teaching her to pull the 25 lb dolley around the driveway with harnesses that he has developed just for her. Important note: do NOT call the SPCA, for no animal is hurt or injured during these training sessions. I confess that I do sacrifice her to a certain extent, but I usually draw the line when she appears to have crossed over from police helper to prisoner. I know this line has been crossed when the play handcuffs have been used to shackle her little paws while pulling the dolley; turning her into some sort of canine chain-gang of one. Then I sacrifice myself, free Finny from bondage and offer her love and affection, and then allow her to escape to her hiding place behind the couch.
In the aftermath, I look into her little doggy eyes and thank her for her patience. She looks back at me in resigned acceptance. We understand each other. A parents love is like a dogs' love... pure and unconditional. We suffer torture, bad behavior, and other insults that you can't imagine until you see it... but at the end of the day the adoration and affection are never any less and you can only see what's beautiful and good; now, if only I could keep them out of the trash can...
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Let Olive be Olive
I just watched "Little Miss Sunshine" last night for like, the 10th time. If you haven't seen it, it's centers around this 7 year old girl who LOVES beauty pageants and is entered in the "Little Miss Sunshine" pageant in California. The catch is that Olive is a very plain looking little girl who sticks out like a sore thumb amongst all the "jon-benets" in the pagaent. (There's much more to this movie- like a SUPER dysfunctional family... LOVE this movie!) Anyway... before the talent competition Olive's family wants her to drop out, knowing she doesn't stand a chance of winning and they don't want her hurt, but her mom wants to let Olive make the decision- knowing how hard her little girl wanted to compete, and despite the fact that Olive would lose. She says: "we have to let Olive be Olive". I love that line... a mom that lets her child be who she is...doesn't impose her own expectations on her child, and what's more is a BRAVE enough mom to let her child fail and be ready to comfort her. Wow.
I want to be like that mom. I frequently question myself: am I imposing unrealistic expectations on my child? Am I letting them discover who they are and embracing that? Even if it means that it DOESN'T meet my expectations? I thought that my boys would be a couple of jocks. Both my husband and I were growing up... (well, I WAS until I discovered I liked to party more than show up for practices- shame.) I just ASSUMED my kids would be as into sports and competition as I was.... hmmmm. Well, we all know about ass-u-ming... Jimmy will play baseball- ONLY. Jared- nada. Now, if mulch-spreading could be considered a sport we would have a junior-olympian... but alas, it's not yet recognized and I can't imagine that the T.V. ratings would ever support its growth. So, what do you do? The uber-parent in me is ashamed; I KNOW that I must find activities that will keep my children busy and out of trouble... afterall, we don't want them cooking meth by the time they're 14! (side-bar here: Jimmy informed me that in his middle school health class they are learning ALL ABOUT drugs, as a matter-of-fact, his teacher told them that cooking meth wasn't that hard- what the f*&%??? maybe I better find out what they are cooking in home-ec!) So, what is a parent to do? Jimmy ADORES video games; is there some redemptive value there? I don't really know, except that it all looks like a bunch of crap to me. Despite my feelings about video games, he is VERY clever and I do believe that it teaches a certain amount of hand-eye coordination and problem solving. Jared recently developed and interest in a couple of computer games, one is an 18 wheeler driving game, the other a bus driving game. In his case, I am DELIGHTED! So, why the double-standard? Well, Jared can barely read, and as I have indicated before, he can barely concentrate on something for more than 5 minutes; so this is a BIG DEAL. It IS teaching him problem solving and it DOES help him learn to read. (Jimmy already reads & problem solves... perhaps I owe a debt of gratitude to nintendo???) Both of the boys get outside and play with other kids- informal pick-up games, flashlight tag, capture the flag, etc... You know, the stuff we ALL did when we were kids and before all this organized stuff was crammed down our throats. So, at this point I have to say: so far, so good. They are both active and neither of them have an ounce of extra weight on them.
So, herein lies the question and hence, the struggle: as a parent do you listen to society and convention as to what is "best" for your children, or- are you brave enough to "let Olive be Olive"? As for me, I am striving for the latter- a work in progress...
I want to be like that mom. I frequently question myself: am I imposing unrealistic expectations on my child? Am I letting them discover who they are and embracing that? Even if it means that it DOESN'T meet my expectations? I thought that my boys would be a couple of jocks. Both my husband and I were growing up... (well, I WAS until I discovered I liked to party more than show up for practices- shame.) I just ASSUMED my kids would be as into sports and competition as I was.... hmmmm. Well, we all know about ass-u-ming... Jimmy will play baseball- ONLY. Jared- nada. Now, if mulch-spreading could be considered a sport we would have a junior-olympian... but alas, it's not yet recognized and I can't imagine that the T.V. ratings would ever support its growth. So, what do you do? The uber-parent in me is ashamed; I KNOW that I must find activities that will keep my children busy and out of trouble... afterall, we don't want them cooking meth by the time they're 14! (side-bar here: Jimmy informed me that in his middle school health class they are learning ALL ABOUT drugs, as a matter-of-fact, his teacher told them that cooking meth wasn't that hard- what the f*&%??? maybe I better find out what they are cooking in home-ec!) So, what is a parent to do? Jimmy ADORES video games; is there some redemptive value there? I don't really know, except that it all looks like a bunch of crap to me. Despite my feelings about video games, he is VERY clever and I do believe that it teaches a certain amount of hand-eye coordination and problem solving. Jared recently developed and interest in a couple of computer games, one is an 18 wheeler driving game, the other a bus driving game. In his case, I am DELIGHTED! So, why the double-standard? Well, Jared can barely read, and as I have indicated before, he can barely concentrate on something for more than 5 minutes; so this is a BIG DEAL. It IS teaching him problem solving and it DOES help him learn to read. (Jimmy already reads & problem solves... perhaps I owe a debt of gratitude to nintendo???) Both of the boys get outside and play with other kids- informal pick-up games, flashlight tag, capture the flag, etc... You know, the stuff we ALL did when we were kids and before all this organized stuff was crammed down our throats. So, at this point I have to say: so far, so good. They are both active and neither of them have an ounce of extra weight on them.
So, herein lies the question and hence, the struggle: as a parent do you listen to society and convention as to what is "best" for your children, or- are you brave enough to "let Olive be Olive"? As for me, I am striving for the latter- a work in progress...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Judgement Day
Have you ever been judged unfairly? A judgement passed on you without the benefit of explanation or background? It's human nature. People are judgemental. Without a conscious effort we tend to see things at face-value, assess the situation, then assign it to a compartment in our lives that makes sense. It takes time and effort to see depth, and let's face it- who has extra time on their hands? There is a reason that "first impressions" are so powerful.
If anyone has ever seen us in public dealing with a meltdown (and some of you have!) then you know why this matters. This is one of the aspects of the disorder that leads to social isolation. From time-to-time we have found ourselves out in public in situations that one would think would be enjoyable, only to have Jared suffer what appears to be an out-and-out panic attack and subsequent meltdown. I theorize that these meltdowns are triggered by some sort of sensory overload. I will digress a little bit and suggest that one day scientists will declare that ADHD falls under the autism spectrum and will find the missing link that is causing all this mess... hopefully in my lifetime. Anyway... here's an example:
A couple of summers ago we decided that we would do a spur-of-the moment getaway weekend and announced to the kids that we were going to D.C. to spend the weekend at six-flags. (okay, for the initiated among you that wasn't the greatest place to go!) So, the kids were excited and we packed up the car and off we went. I'll skip now to the meltdown. This was WAY too much for our little boy and he went OFF the deep end! The minute we walked into the park he was insistent that he have a t-shirt. The t-shirt seems to be the "security blanket" that helps him cope, and this is a scenario we have played out before. Okay, to those of you out there who want to judge- this is NOT an ordinary meltdown and temper-tantrum. This is an ALL OUT panic attack that manifests itself in tears and physical abuse. (no, not us abusing him) He cries and punches us and hangs on our arms until we go to find a t-shirt. Then, it can't be the first you see.. Oh, no! It has to be a certain type that only HE knows and is unable to describe to us. Again, you want to judge... just WALK OUT- right??? Well, keep in mind we have spent nearly 150.00 in admission fees, and pray-tell- what about my other child who wants NOTHING more than to ride the biggest roller-coaster, and at this particular moment would like nothing more to be claimed by ANY other family but his own right now??? Ah, so maybe now you're seeing a little deeper? Now, I have thought about this in my head over-and-over: if you were the all-knowing, all-seeing person who would have the nerve to approach us in this situation and offer some friendly advice (I know, I am a little paranoid) I have practiced a response to you in my head and it goes something like this: I THROW my arms around your neck, and with tears streaming down my face I THANK YOU profusely for FINALLY helping us cope with something that to this day we have yet to find a way to contain or prevent, and I ask you: "please, PLEASE kind & all-knowing one- would you consider MOVING IN with us and showing us the way?? Oh supernanny/911? Oh, Dr. Phil? Would you give us the answers that so far have eluded us, despite our search through several doctors, teachers, AI Dupont, Johns Hopkins? For, finally it is YOU that has shown us the error of our ways and will show us the promise land!" Oh, and p.s.- could ya hurry it up, already?? Okay, extreme- I know... but we all have our own coping mechanisms. Sometimes I think that my reaction is God's way of teaching ME not to judge or take things at face value... So, in the meantime I cope in my own way- with my silly little fantasies... and, of course, this blog! Thanks for indulging me...
If anyone has ever seen us in public dealing with a meltdown (and some of you have!) then you know why this matters. This is one of the aspects of the disorder that leads to social isolation. From time-to-time we have found ourselves out in public in situations that one would think would be enjoyable, only to have Jared suffer what appears to be an out-and-out panic attack and subsequent meltdown. I theorize that these meltdowns are triggered by some sort of sensory overload. I will digress a little bit and suggest that one day scientists will declare that ADHD falls under the autism spectrum and will find the missing link that is causing all this mess... hopefully in my lifetime. Anyway... here's an example:
A couple of summers ago we decided that we would do a spur-of-the moment getaway weekend and announced to the kids that we were going to D.C. to spend the weekend at six-flags. (okay, for the initiated among you that wasn't the greatest place to go!) So, the kids were excited and we packed up the car and off we went. I'll skip now to the meltdown. This was WAY too much for our little boy and he went OFF the deep end! The minute we walked into the park he was insistent that he have a t-shirt. The t-shirt seems to be the "security blanket" that helps him cope, and this is a scenario we have played out before. Okay, to those of you out there who want to judge- this is NOT an ordinary meltdown and temper-tantrum. This is an ALL OUT panic attack that manifests itself in tears and physical abuse. (no, not us abusing him) He cries and punches us and hangs on our arms until we go to find a t-shirt. Then, it can't be the first you see.. Oh, no! It has to be a certain type that only HE knows and is unable to describe to us. Again, you want to judge... just WALK OUT- right??? Well, keep in mind we have spent nearly 150.00 in admission fees, and pray-tell- what about my other child who wants NOTHING more than to ride the biggest roller-coaster, and at this particular moment would like nothing more to be claimed by ANY other family but his own right now??? Ah, so maybe now you're seeing a little deeper? Now, I have thought about this in my head over-and-over: if you were the all-knowing, all-seeing person who would have the nerve to approach us in this situation and offer some friendly advice (I know, I am a little paranoid) I have practiced a response to you in my head and it goes something like this: I THROW my arms around your neck, and with tears streaming down my face I THANK YOU profusely for FINALLY helping us cope with something that to this day we have yet to find a way to contain or prevent, and I ask you: "please, PLEASE kind & all-knowing one- would you consider MOVING IN with us and showing us the way?? Oh supernanny/911? Oh, Dr. Phil? Would you give us the answers that so far have eluded us, despite our search through several doctors, teachers, AI Dupont, Johns Hopkins? For, finally it is YOU that has shown us the error of our ways and will show us the promise land!" Oh, and p.s.- could ya hurry it up, already?? Okay, extreme- I know... but we all have our own coping mechanisms. Sometimes I think that my reaction is God's way of teaching ME not to judge or take things at face value... So, in the meantime I cope in my own way- with my silly little fantasies... and, of course, this blog! Thanks for indulging me...
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